The next years of my life consisted of decline, confusion, desperation, and internal torment. I found the answer to all my problems, all my insecurities, and all my fears. However, I was able to get a refill that really wasn’t needed. I believe they were doing their job and trying to manage my pain. Once again I was reintroduced to my old friend. I decided to have another surgery before our son was born. I started having trouble with my shoulder again. I didn’t tell anyone about the drugs I had experimented with for fear of judgment, and because I still didn’t think it would be a part of my story.Ī few years later we were married and expecting our first child. I managed to cut the drugs from my life because girls like her don’t date guys like that, and they sure as hell don’t marry them. She was in college in Oklahoma so I spent a good deal of time driving back and forth. While living in Dallas I met the woman that is now my wife. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to get involved with these types of drugs, but there really weren’t any problems… yet. I was able to keep my job, friends, and finances in order. Alcohol, marijuana, opiates, meth, cocaine, and others. It wasn’t long before I was experimenting with other drugs to fill the gaps in my life. At this point, I wasn’t an addict, but I had already begun abusing them by not taking them “as needed”.Īfter graduating I moved to Dallas for work. This was the beginning of my relationship with opiates that would be a force like nothing I had ever experienced. I was still prescribed pain medication and took them periodically because they seemed to help me study. I took the class while living at home to recover from surgery and radiation. However, I still needed to finish one class before officially graduating. Other than being scared, I made it through. I had surgery to remove the area on my ear, remove lymph nodes in my neck, and had radiation afterward. My senior year of college, I was diagnosed with melanoma. I took the pain meds according to the prescription. I didn’t know it at that time, but this was an introduction that would later come to haunt me. As you would expect, I went to the hospital, had it popped back in and went home….with pain meds. I was offered marijuana on occasion and would avoid it in most cases, but not always.ĭuring my freshman year, I dislocated my shoulder. Going to class, going to practice, going to parties, chasing girls…. Still pretty normal for a college-aged male. Other than being caught by the cops and having to pour out our beer in the park, or the occasional hangover, nothing of consequence happened. I liked baseball, girls, and acting cool while drinking beer with buddies. In high school, I was a fairly typical high school guy. We would sneak alcohol from time to time after that, but nothing significantly negative happened. This is particularly disturbing to me now that I have a 12-year-old son. I first got drunk at age 12 with my best friend. Experiencing alcoholism at a young age didn’t cause me to become a drug addict, but it was an integral part of my understanding how I interact with the world. This manifests in different ways, but I know the impact is detrimental to future relationships and coping with life as a whole. It is said that children in alcoholic/ addicted homes learn not to talk, trust, or feel. My mother divorced him when I was 12 and married the man that is still my step-father. Rather than go into all the stories from that chapter, I will just summarize by saying it was a stressful childhood. My new stepfather would turn out to be an alcoholic. After divorcing my biological father, my mother remarried. My younger years were spent as a military kid. Not every drug addict is going to look the way you think they should or act the way you think you they will be acting. My story doesn’t begin or end with fireworks, and that’s part of the story. I would like to share my story with you in the hopes that it will help someone. Hello, my name is Brian Howard and I’m a drug addict and alcoholic. How the hell does a person end up like this? Nothing can prepare you for the feeling of knowing you have let everyone down and that everyone knows you are a fraud. None of my scenarios ended with me sitting in rehab. I had imagined many times that I would be found out and everyone would know about my secret.
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